*(I recognise the different eating disorders, the subtypes and personality types and promise not all my posts will refer specifically to Anorexia, but as a sufferer of both EDNOS and later Anorexia they will be my biggest focus)*

One particular realisation today made me decide that it was time to make this blog is that I appreciate life so much now! 

I am currently doing my first assessment for uni, which happens to be on eating disorders and the effect they have on overall fitness, health and wellness, particularly the later. It has made me really dig deep into the worst part of my life and pick it apart to try to smash this assessment, get myself and my group amazing grades and hopefully help people. I realised, how much i appreciated being alive today.

I could have died a little over a year ago, heart palpitations were my warning sign, my body indicated that it could quite easily shut down. I only suffered the depths of Anorexia for 6-8 months, a very short time compared to most but it was enough to do huge damage to my body.. which i am still healing from.

I appreciate the fact that i'm alive and i find it difficult to believe that i was in such a dark and destructive place for so long. When i look back on the person i was at that time, i want to cry and comfort myself, it was horrible and you're allowed to be scared but it's scarier being stuck in the dark than stumbling towards the light. The effect it had on my overall wellness, the occupational intellectual, physical, spiritual and emotional dimensions is devastating. Who would want to live like that? 

At one time, I did... and if you do, realise your ways - you're life could be so much more amazing if you let it. 

Emotionally, you become a dark and unfeeling being... I remember my first or second visit to my psychologist she asked me to draw my eating disorder, being a perfectionistic/high-achieving personality type, i put a lot of thought into this and never actually did it. 

The image though that stuck with me, was me in a dark room, even i was a shadow, trying to unlock a locked door, which had chains on the other side of it... No windows, no lights, a mildewed room, damp, cold stone. 

That was my reality throughout my eating disorder, that's how i remember it.

And when i began recovery? I described it to my mum as my banging hard on that door, it crashed down, then fire consumed the door way, i had to get through the fire, find my way out of the chains, and then run... and outside the tiny little square box of a room? Vast emptiness... i was determined to get out regardless and burnt that little box to the ground. 

Socially, it causes paranoia from social events involving food and inhibits the victims ability to form and maintain meaningful relationships. The effect on cognitive function causes a shut down on the brain because all it will focus on and think of is food because it NEEDS it, and won't let you forget it... this is the obsessive aspect of Anorexia.

Spiritually, i was always very connected to nature and am a Christian, i have never in my life been as distant from any spiritual activity as i was when i was in the midst of my disorder. I never bothered to ponder the meaning of life, because the meaning of life was... 'oh how many calories are this, oh crap! 300 calories for a snack?! that's all i eat in a day!' 

The cognitive effects meant that rather than studying during the beginning of my HSC (senior) year, i spent entire days at school, from when i got there to when i left looking at low calorie recipes and researching the symptoms of an eating disorder, or checking my BMI. My A average dropped to a C or a B, when i began recovery between Christmas and New year 2012, i contemplated dropping out of school when i only had 3 terms left. The weight of recovery was tremendous!

Occupationally, i couldn't work fast, i couldn't keep my mind on the job, i worked with food and tried to eat it whenever i got a chance, just a tiny bite of beetroot if no one was around! It was horrible...

Physically - well this one was painful. I suffered body dysmorphia and will admit that i still do, i have never truly been able to see my body for the way it actually is. I realise this when i look at photos from years ago and swear that i didn't actually look like that, because it's not what i saw at the time. 

I would have bruises on my thighs from my mattress when i slept, on my bum from sitting down, around my joints from the proximal distance between my bones and skin. I was cold, my developed that fine hair all over my body and felt like a monkey, it was not fun. If you're there right now, or trying to get there... you need to stop! Realise that having energy, having smooth skin, having colour in  your skin and life in your eyes is much more amazing. It's natural. Your beauty is a gift. 

So there we have it, an eating disorder negatively impacts each small dimension of wellness, so how can anyone POSSIBLY live like that? of course you're miserable if you're starving your cells of proper function. Studying Anatomy this year is also opening my eyes even more to the damage that we are doing to our bodies by not fuelling it effectively. 

As a recovered anoretic, who has since become a high carb vegan, i now sometimes each up to 4000 calories and my weights being stable... we need to fuel our bodies! It really does impact every other aspect of our life! 

I now feel amazing for what i eat, i am doing what is best for my body and the environment. It's not 'okay' to eat, it's a necessity. 

1200 calories is what a person in a coma needs to simply survive. 

If you need help recovering or want advice email me at sequoiaap@gmail.com 

xx <3