My recovery story

My recovery story
Are carbs your friend?
3000+ calories?!!?!

It's been a while... I shouldn't use excuses but i've simply been flooded with uni assessments and studying and just life in general.
There's this whole thing in social media i've found, of regular people trying to be journalists/professionals. There are less and less people being real, whether on social media or in real life.
The only thing that makes me knowledgable on the subject is my own research, my own experience and my education (one semester so far of a psychology degree, i'm far from qualified) but i AM real and i like to keep things as honest and raw as possible, because lets face it... we don't resonate with the perfect portrayal of anyone! We see reflections in ourselves with peoples imperfections, those things that no one else see's of us are on display through other people, and we realise that it's not just us and that we're not alone.

So here is a real description of how i began recovery in the very last couple of months of 2012.
I had made the 45 minute journey to see my boyfriend, at this time i was at my lowest weight - scarily thin, drawn faced and yellow bruises over my joints - not very pretty but i was blessed with this human in my life, who even now, a year since i've even seen him i consider a wonderful human and a friend.
When it came to ordering iced coffees though - "iced long black please" YUCK!! The very thought of it makes me feel sick, cold, watery coffee... bleh!
Anyway, when i returned from browsing obsessively in the health food shop, his ice-cream filled, cream topped sugary iced coffee was at my seat while my bland disgusting iced coffee was in front of him. Boy that made me mad.
Though after finishing some of his ice-cream, i felt horrible, i felt so guilty for what i was putting all the people i loved through, so i told myself i had to put on weight - and just like that i was convinced.
For the weekend that we were together, i ate my favourite brand of ice-cream, and chocolate bars, and pancakes and brownies and everything delicious!!!!
But when i went home, and he went overseas my promise of "i'll put at least 2kg on by the time you get back" turned into 'oops i lost 2kg instead' - I had failed.
BUT as long as you keep moving forward in recovery there is no failure.
I kept losing weight up until just before christmas, Christmas i struggled to eat cherries - counting every single one, hating myself, feeling huge and horrible!
I can't remember whether it was before christmas or after that i was basically forced to see my doctor. My loved ones sat in the waiting room as i cried to my doctor and i forced myself to best explain what was going on... i was told to up my calories (duh, i had already done the research into recovery but i didn't want to actually RECOVER).
After the appointment, around lunch time, we went to the shopping centre and i stood in the food court as if the shops were spinning around me, i felt drowned in the middle of consumer paradise - i couldn't even order a small subway, it was all too much - i couldn't eat what i wanted to eat, only what my mind made me feel like i could only eat.
That day i ate about 2000 calories, the next i had 2500 and a week later i was up to 3000 and stayed there. I was never one for half-assing something.
Once i'm in, it's all in.
The bloating is horrible, i looked pregnant half the time, i had water retention, i wanted to sleep all the time. I spent a lot of time lying in my bed with the curtains drawn, not knowing whether i wanted to cry or just sleep and not wake up... I suffered quite a bit of depression during this time, and before.
Anorexia is in itself a form of depression, drowning in your own negative body image.
But life is so, so much sweeter on the other side of recovery.
Being thin is being in a black hole, being recovered is running through daisies and hugging people!
Sure it's not laughter all the time, but oh man it's awesome!

So why 3000 calories?!
ACTUALLY, i would want you to have much, much more!
Also, it's up to how YOU want to recover, i recovered on a lot of healthy food because i never saw the point of eating empty, nutritionally void calories that would make me gain weight but wouldn't nourish and repair my malnourished and damaged cells. I still ate unhealthy foods though to simply challenge the 'fear' of them, and this is definitely necessary.

I am vegan for the animals first, my health second - if you're interested in being vegan then watch earthlings, i will never discourage veganism to a recovering anorexic because i believe it is both extremely healthy, good for the body and the mind and meat is never necessary!
Enjoy your food, savour it, give yourself positive affirmations constantly throughout the day, correct your negative thoughts and let those people who are concerned about you be there as support.
If you can't start recovery for you, do it for them... but make sure to eventually do it for yourself!
If you do it for you, then the recovery will be long term and you will thrive in live.
There will be so much opportunity for you, so much love, laughter and experience.

So stop over exercising, be sedentary until you're healthy - trust me, you don't need it.
Once you're healthy don't smash in the exercise, do it steadily, no intensity at talking pace for 30min, and don't do it every day just be consistent to keep yourself fit and healthy.
there is a lot of crying, a lot of shouting, a lot of fighting and screaming and curling up into a ball on your bed in pain, a lot of fear, a lot of uncertainty... but trust the process.
It's tough but the reward is more than worth it - you are more than worth it! <3

(sorry for any typo's i'm rushing off to uni now, so there may be mistakes that have gone unnoticed)

-Sequoia