I would never call any part of recovery 'the biggest struggle' because it's different for every single person struggling with an eating disorder. I know for a fact that crying over a 100 calorie 'diet' chocolate pudding cup or breaking down over a few too many cherries was extremely hard for both me and the people in my life at the time.
But what's also difficult, about relapse and weight gain... what is this post directly going to be addressing?
Relapse AFTER recovery!
Recovery is a required action due to behaviours, not merely the size of your jeans.
http://www.pinterest.com/ninalilfoot90/mental-illness/
I kept thinking i was out of recovery, i thought i was out of recovery after 4 months when my weight was back up to a healthy bmi and i was lifting weights every day. Oh man.
It has been about 18 months since i upped my 100-300 calories per day to the required 3000 and gained weight back, i kept thinking, "my weight is back to normal, i am healthy... i know the importance of healthy food and a nutritious and caloric sufficient diet"
hahahahaahahahahahahahaha, again, Oh man.
Also, yes fruit is healthy for us, yes carbs are not the enemy but SERIOUSLY, any person recovering from an eating disorder should not engage with any restrictive forms of diets, i.e. low fat, low carb, low protein, low calorie, low salt (except ethical diets such as veganism which i wholeheartedly support for ETHICAL reasons)
I want to heal my metabolism and ditch the diet and exercise mindset. I just want to live normally.
But being a slightly higher weight than ever before in your life and relapsing is hard!!!!!!
I can't bring myself to claim to be in 'recovery' or to tag instagram posts as 'recovery' or call myself an edsoldier, and not because i dislike using these terms but because it doesn't feel real, it feels like i am a fraud because i gained all my weight back and then some and i am no longer emaciated. If i hadn't of been diagnosed then i would probably go on to say that i never was ill in the first place and i am a perfectly fine, healthy, specimen. Yeah, right.
Struggling with recovery when you don't need to gain weight is so difficult, it's one thing to be underweight and convince yourself you do need to gain the weight, have people tell you over and over, and struggle with it but deep down know that it is required and necessary and healthy because you are still underweight.
But when you aren't underweight, it's that much more difficult to justify eating for recovery, 'fear foods' will just make you even fatter (wrong) and eventually you'll spiral out of control and start restricting again and return to an emaciated status where you can be put into hospital as an in-patient and be forced to eat.
The scary part is... part of me WANTS to be emaciated again, to go through recovery again... and i have no idea why. I won't let this ever happen again though.
The hard part is, EVERYONE, thinks you are recovered. People say to me 'you recovered from that, you are so strong', or 'I'm so glad you are recovered'
So i think, well that's it then, i'm recovered.
Is it that easy though? When your own mind tries to kill you through starvation and you gain some weight back and all is well and dandy in the world?
I don't know how to eat at the moment, do i eat normal amounts and just try to be a normal person or do i eat extra again to fight off these crippling thoughts or to gain back my period (yep, when you're unconcerned of a lack of menstrual cycle that's warning bells right there people)
I have no issue sharing all of this with the internet, anyone i know can read this and frankly, what does it matter?
This isn't for them to investigate my life, or be nosy and curious about my struggles - let them do and think what they will but this is for those wonderful, beautiful people who struggle with anorexia, bulimia, EDNOS, BED etc. and get to a point where they appear 100% recovered and then find themselves secretly spiralling down the rabbit hole back into the 'safety net' of their eating disorder,
and to those people i say - CONFRONT IT!
Work on healing your metabolism, eat fats, salts, carbs, proteins, eat chocolate, fruit, potatoes, starch, sugar
Eat unrestricted, and by that i don't just mean 'eat until you can't eat anymore' (though in some cases this may be extremely necessary) i just mean, stop counting, stop letting food rule your life, rule your body image, rule your happiness.
People who haven't struggled through this type of internal war will never completely understand, though they have their own struggles that you will never understand either. Don't be mad that they don't see the big picture, or know the full story... be happy for them that they have never had to suffer this particular form of suffering known as the 'eating disorder'.
Other recoveries always said 'relapse' is part of recovery, and i thought 'i will never relapse though, i will be strong, i refuse to relapse' and again, oh man.
Relapse doesn't ALWAYS happen, it's not always physically noticeable, but it's a pretty HUGE chance that it will happen, at any stage in your life, when things get too much, when something changes, it creeps up on you and you have to keep a keen eye and notice it and shut it down, stop it in it's tracks.
The thing is, sometimes i get overwhelmed and feel like i'm struggling, and poor me feels like a victim. Then i am reminded of all those people, girls and boys alike, that struggle the same struggles, that starve themselves in a land of plenty, that gain weight and then relapse and can't face 'recovery' because they feel they don't deserve it because they are no longer emaciated, and i sit down and get my act together and write this for them.
I write this, to remind them that the scale is a number, not a definition. That food is fuel, not poison. That your mind can be free, rather than a prison. That recovery is freedom and healing for the mind as well as the body and is required as an action taken against certain behaviours, not because of whatever size jeans you're wearing today.
If you gained double your weight in recovery the first time around and realise you are relapsing but not underweight, be thankful that you don't have to go through the entire process again. It's hard but it would be harder if you did get that thin all over again, and not worth it at all. If you have relapsed hard core, then please, please, pleaseeeee get back on track with recovery.
So i challenge those of you struggling, no matter what your bmi is, to face fear foods today.
Choose a fear food, and eat it, savour every bite and get rid of the guilt associated with that food. I know it's not that easy, but if you try, well that's a good start.
There is no 'one size' for an eating disorder, you are never the wrong size for recovery.
<3 Sequoia
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