My recovery story

My recovery story
Are carbs your friend?
3000+ calories?!!?!

It's been a while... I shouldn't use excuses but i've simply been flooded with uni assessments and studying and just life in general.
There's this whole thing in social media i've found, of regular people trying to be journalists/professionals. There are less and less people being real, whether on social media or in real life.
The only thing that makes me knowledgable on the subject is my own research, my own experience and my education (one semester so far of a psychology degree, i'm far from qualified) but i AM real and i like to keep things as honest and raw as possible, because lets face it... we don't resonate with the perfect portrayal of anyone! We see reflections in ourselves with peoples imperfections, those things that no one else see's of us are on display through other people, and we realise that it's not just us and that we're not alone.

So here is a real description of how i began recovery in the very last couple of months of 2012.
I had made the 45 minute journey to see my boyfriend, at this time i was at my lowest weight - scarily thin, drawn faced and yellow bruises over my joints - not very pretty but i was blessed with this human in my life, who even now, a year since i've even seen him i consider a wonderful human and a friend.
When it came to ordering iced coffees though - "iced long black please" YUCK!! The very thought of it makes me feel sick, cold, watery coffee... bleh!
Anyway, when i returned from browsing obsessively in the health food shop, his ice-cream filled, cream topped sugary iced coffee was at my seat while my bland disgusting iced coffee was in front of him. Boy that made me mad.
Though after finishing some of his ice-cream, i felt horrible, i felt so guilty for what i was putting all the people i loved through, so i told myself i had to put on weight - and just like that i was convinced.
For the weekend that we were together, i ate my favourite brand of ice-cream, and chocolate bars, and pancakes and brownies and everything delicious!!!!
But when i went home, and he went overseas my promise of "i'll put at least 2kg on by the time you get back" turned into 'oops i lost 2kg instead' - I had failed.
BUT as long as you keep moving forward in recovery there is no failure.
I kept losing weight up until just before christmas, Christmas i struggled to eat cherries - counting every single one, hating myself, feeling huge and horrible!
I can't remember whether it was before christmas or after that i was basically forced to see my doctor. My loved ones sat in the waiting room as i cried to my doctor and i forced myself to best explain what was going on... i was told to up my calories (duh, i had already done the research into recovery but i didn't want to actually RECOVER).
After the appointment, around lunch time, we went to the shopping centre and i stood in the food court as if the shops were spinning around me, i felt drowned in the middle of consumer paradise - i couldn't even order a small subway, it was all too much - i couldn't eat what i wanted to eat, only what my mind made me feel like i could only eat.
That day i ate about 2000 calories, the next i had 2500 and a week later i was up to 3000 and stayed there. I was never one for half-assing something.
Once i'm in, it's all in.
The bloating is horrible, i looked pregnant half the time, i had water retention, i wanted to sleep all the time. I spent a lot of time lying in my bed with the curtains drawn, not knowing whether i wanted to cry or just sleep and not wake up... I suffered quite a bit of depression during this time, and before.
Anorexia is in itself a form of depression, drowning in your own negative body image.
But life is so, so much sweeter on the other side of recovery.
Being thin is being in a black hole, being recovered is running through daisies and hugging people!
Sure it's not laughter all the time, but oh man it's awesome!

So why 3000 calories?!
ACTUALLY, i would want you to have much, much more!
Also, it's up to how YOU want to recover, i recovered on a lot of healthy food because i never saw the point of eating empty, nutritionally void calories that would make me gain weight but wouldn't nourish and repair my malnourished and damaged cells. I still ate unhealthy foods though to simply challenge the 'fear' of them, and this is definitely necessary.

I am vegan for the animals first, my health second - if you're interested in being vegan then watch earthlings, i will never discourage veganism to a recovering anorexic because i believe it is both extremely healthy, good for the body and the mind and meat is never necessary!
Enjoy your food, savour it, give yourself positive affirmations constantly throughout the day, correct your negative thoughts and let those people who are concerned about you be there as support.
If you can't start recovery for you, do it for them... but make sure to eventually do it for yourself!
If you do it for you, then the recovery will be long term and you will thrive in live.
There will be so much opportunity for you, so much love, laughter and experience.

So stop over exercising, be sedentary until you're healthy - trust me, you don't need it.
Once you're healthy don't smash in the exercise, do it steadily, no intensity at talking pace for 30min, and don't do it every day just be consistent to keep yourself fit and healthy.
there is a lot of crying, a lot of shouting, a lot of fighting and screaming and curling up into a ball on your bed in pain, a lot of fear, a lot of uncertainty... but trust the process.
It's tough but the reward is more than worth it - you are more than worth it! <3

(sorry for any typo's i'm rushing off to uni now, so there may be mistakes that have gone unnoticed)

-Sequoia

Mean girls, Gossip girl, social media and eating disorders?

Isolation becomes solitude.

So, if you have suffered from an eating disorder, you're most likely to agree with me when is mention that isolation is actually quite a wonderful thing
Not having to feel like someone is looking at your food or judging you
Not having to worry if someone notices how little you eat
Not having to worry if someone can hear you purge, or if they saw you binge
Oh yes its so lovely to make those around you  walk on eggshells because you're mood is unpredictable, and for them to be terrified of your eating every day because they know it's not right.
They know, despite how hard you try to hide it. People know.

Anyway, now you know that people know, it's time to reach out to them because they will happily accept your plea with open arms and loving warm heart. If you're underweight, trust me, that warmth is nice when you're cold all summer.

Okay so now for todays post!
The media, celebrities, thinspo and eating disorders.

http://wifflegif.com/tags/129977-is-butter-a-carb-gifs 

Oh one of my great movie loves - Mean Girls. 

The ultimate portrayal of girl world, where to ruin someones life is to make them put on weight

I actually don't mind the portrayal of body image in this movie, I think the intention was not at all to promote thin, or perfect. It's a comedy and I like to believe it's as simple as that.

However... 

I've heard before how mean girls is not good for young girls, I can't disagree since i ended up with an eating disorder so technically i can't say 'i watched it as a young girl and turned out fine' but i strongly doubt that my eating issues stemmed from or where even heavily influenced by movies like mean girls. They actually show that girls self-criticise excessively, and that it shouldn't be such a big deal "I used to think there was just fat and skinny".

A show which receives quite a lot of debate about it's image of young girls is Gossip Girl, thin rich girls living lives full of lust, money and drama... oh don't try to deny it, if you're a girl you've watched it and probably love it just like the rest of us (if not, then i am sorry and i accept that i am not always right) 

The beautiful Blair 

suffers from bulimia early in the seasons, and what happens? 

Her loved ones reach out to her, she receives help, gets better and you never hear of it again!

People like to state 'oh come on, she didn't relapse! that's not a real portrayal of an eating disorder recovery' 

well actually, it is. 

Eating disorder's come in all shapes and forms and behaviours, just like recovery. May i remind you that in that episode, Blair was relapsing! So her recovery wasn't her first attempt, but it worked, she didn't binge or purge again that we know of and it showed that there is no shame or glamour in an eating disorder.

So how much is the media to blame for the body issues of female? Is it the media, or simply our culture.

If you study psychology, you will understand that there are multiple schools of thought and that there are both biological and cultural boundaries to the study of psychology. 

Is it our culture? What is it that shapes our culture? 

Are quotes such as "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" (Kate Moss) (which may have been taken out of context) and the portrayal of thin girls in the media what shapes our unrealistic goals.

Personally I believe what has a huge impact on body image is thinspo

Ah yes.

Good ol' tumblr and pinterest with their endless supply of thin, underweight, probably depressed and malnourished bodies to make 'thinspiration'

I actually can't stand it! I LOVE tumblr, have been using it on and off for about 4 years now, it's honestly got so much amazing potential if used correctly

using it to search or advertise pro-ana, pro-mia (promoting anorexia or bulimia) is not okay.

BREAK THE CYCLE.

And stop scrolling through pages and pages and pages of food blogs instead of actually eating! Did you know that actually getting up off your starving ass to the fridge and getting some fruit/rice/tahini/hot chocolate will make the obsession with food go away?

Food is a biological necessity, stop feeling guilty for it because you think there is something beautiful about saying no and practicing your 'will power' when it comes to eating. There is no such thing as will power when it comes to nutrition and food, we need it, we eat it. Eat intuitively and if that means you eat less than that girl over there but 2x more than that boy there, then so be it. We all eat different amounts, and it's okay as long as we are not UNDERFEEDING ourselves and eating for our needs. You can not train your body to need a certain amount of energy!

Photo's like this the one above make me really quite angry. 

Saying 'no thank you' to food is weak! 

Listening to your eating disorder is weak... fighting it is strong.

Be strong and STOP looking at thinspo on pinterest or tumblr, because although i don't think the media is particularly to blame directly, i would be much more inclined to put a fair chunk of blame onto the individuals who make these images. If you make these images, don't. If you make them for yourself, don't share them at least. For god's sake promoting fatal and life consuming mental disorders is not cool.

Okay ran off into a little rant there

where was I... oh yes. The media.

It's a touchy subject, with a lot of controversy, personally i know a lot of people who are suffering and have suffered an eating disorder will say it has nothing to do with the media, but there is obviously some connection there no matter how small with looking at ourselves in the mirror after watching a movie full of skinny popular girls when we are 12, and not liking our puberty stricken bodies.

I do believe though that eating disorders are caused by a deeper issue, whether it be from the age of 2, 4, 7, 12 or 24. There are always underlying psychological and emotional issues to an eating disorder

With behaviours arising from issues with control in one's life, perfectionism, depression, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse etc. 

So the media isn't to blame, we can't point fingers at these things - we can acknowledge that the media definitely affects both men and women's body-image and self-esteem negatively, but to say it causes a deep, disturbing psychological self-harm disorder is just trying to find an easy way out from discovering the more important, and terrifying truths of what caused your issues relating to food.

With that, i think i'll draw this week's post to a close.

If you agree, or disagree or would like me to focus on something specific feel free to leave a comment :) xx <3
- Sequoia. 

During my eating disorder, I basically felt like i was dying... they say how sad cancer is, and I agree that it is horrible, but it's even sadder that people are choosing to kill themselves slowly and painfully over months, or years.
Going from a vibrant, pretty 53kg 16 year old who was complimented her whole life on her bubbly and enthusiastic personality and her intelligence slowly dissolved into a 38kg lifeless 17 year old void of any personality at all.
Lack of a personality, i don't mean i was just boring, i mean talking to me would have been like talking to a wall... i had no response because all i ever heard in my head was 'your body, food, don't eat, your body, but food'
I feel like this image, rather than showing the transformation in your body through anorexia and recovery, I feel this shows emotional and energy levels much more accurately.

Left photo - within the first week of recovery
Right photo - my formal, where i ate the food and drank the champagne and had an amazing night!
So, i'll get around to doing a post on the physical effects of an eating disorder, but this post I think i'll focus on the emotional ones.

 Feeling that life is pointless
Losing all desires for a future, or rather, all future seems unapproachable because well... what future is there for someone with an eating disorder? A life full of thoughts of food and body and nothing else, or death. A family becomes almost impossible to imagine because how can you love someone when all you can think about is yourself and what goes into your stomach?
 Feeling as though you will never feel positive or alive again.
Giving up basically all hope, being extremely judgmental of yourself and lacking any intrinsic motivation to complete any task or make any changes.
Food is such a huge desire yet off limits and exercise is seen as a punishment or a chore and treated like a form of torture on the body.

Unable to form appropriate emotions
Lashing out a lot, feeling constant emptiness accompanied by anger and irritability. This has a huge stress impact on your loved ones. I remember the look on my mothers face for months on end when i was at my sickest, looking back i realise she was constantly stepping on thin ice.

 Lacking all interest in academia and intellect
Spending entire 6 hour days at school looking at low calorie recipes, is not glamorous or fun at all.. it's a waste of cognitive function, oh wait... there is none of that because you're brain is so starved of nutrients it refuses to think of anything else except 'god dammit feed me!'

Emotional instability, crying for no reason, highs and lows... i don't even think i need to go into this one. Basically you never even know how you feel

I've been bombarded with study, so this is late and not as inclusive of all emotional impacts as i would have liked

next weeks post will be 'Why recovery?' and 'Where do i start?'

Weekly posts beginning 17th March 2014! 

I will be posting once per week on Mondays from next week!
Please let me know which topics you would like me to discuss, and things that you believe will help you individually
I can provide recovery recipes, inspiration, guides, stories, life transformations, tips to do it by yourself as opposed to in a clinic or hospital, the benefits of clinic/hospital, how to communicate with your family and friends, how to address your fears, fear foods and more!

I look forward to being part of what is probably the most psychologically terrifying change you'll ever make, but it is also the most beautiful!

<3 <3

-Sequoia

feel free to email me at @sequoiaap@gmail.com

*(I recognise the different eating disorders, the subtypes and personality types and promise not all my posts will refer specifically to Anorexia, but as a sufferer of both EDNOS and later Anorexia they will be my biggest focus)*

One particular realisation today made me decide that it was time to make this blog is that I appreciate life so much now! 

I am currently doing my first assessment for uni, which happens to be on eating disorders and the effect they have on overall fitness, health and wellness, particularly the later. It has made me really dig deep into the worst part of my life and pick it apart to try to smash this assessment, get myself and my group amazing grades and hopefully help people. I realised, how much i appreciated being alive today.

I could have died a little over a year ago, heart palpitations were my warning sign, my body indicated that it could quite easily shut down. I only suffered the depths of Anorexia for 6-8 months, a very short time compared to most but it was enough to do huge damage to my body.. which i am still healing from.

I appreciate the fact that i'm alive and i find it difficult to believe that i was in such a dark and destructive place for so long. When i look back on the person i was at that time, i want to cry and comfort myself, it was horrible and you're allowed to be scared but it's scarier being stuck in the dark than stumbling towards the light. The effect it had on my overall wellness, the occupational intellectual, physical, spiritual and emotional dimensions is devastating. Who would want to live like that? 

At one time, I did... and if you do, realise your ways - you're life could be so much more amazing if you let it. 

Emotionally, you become a dark and unfeeling being... I remember my first or second visit to my psychologist she asked me to draw my eating disorder, being a perfectionistic/high-achieving personality type, i put a lot of thought into this and never actually did it. 

The image though that stuck with me, was me in a dark room, even i was a shadow, trying to unlock a locked door, which had chains on the other side of it... No windows, no lights, a mildewed room, damp, cold stone. 

That was my reality throughout my eating disorder, that's how i remember it.

And when i began recovery? I described it to my mum as my banging hard on that door, it crashed down, then fire consumed the door way, i had to get through the fire, find my way out of the chains, and then run... and outside the tiny little square box of a room? Vast emptiness... i was determined to get out regardless and burnt that little box to the ground. 

Socially, it causes paranoia from social events involving food and inhibits the victims ability to form and maintain meaningful relationships. The effect on cognitive function causes a shut down on the brain because all it will focus on and think of is food because it NEEDS it, and won't let you forget it... this is the obsessive aspect of Anorexia.

Spiritually, i was always very connected to nature and am a Christian, i have never in my life been as distant from any spiritual activity as i was when i was in the midst of my disorder. I never bothered to ponder the meaning of life, because the meaning of life was... 'oh how many calories are this, oh crap! 300 calories for a snack?! that's all i eat in a day!' 

The cognitive effects meant that rather than studying during the beginning of my HSC (senior) year, i spent entire days at school, from when i got there to when i left looking at low calorie recipes and researching the symptoms of an eating disorder, or checking my BMI. My A average dropped to a C or a B, when i began recovery between Christmas and New year 2012, i contemplated dropping out of school when i only had 3 terms left. The weight of recovery was tremendous!

Occupationally, i couldn't work fast, i couldn't keep my mind on the job, i worked with food and tried to eat it whenever i got a chance, just a tiny bite of beetroot if no one was around! It was horrible...

Physically - well this one was painful. I suffered body dysmorphia and will admit that i still do, i have never truly been able to see my body for the way it actually is. I realise this when i look at photos from years ago and swear that i didn't actually look like that, because it's not what i saw at the time. 

I would have bruises on my thighs from my mattress when i slept, on my bum from sitting down, around my joints from the proximal distance between my bones and skin. I was cold, my developed that fine hair all over my body and felt like a monkey, it was not fun. If you're there right now, or trying to get there... you need to stop! Realise that having energy, having smooth skin, having colour in  your skin and life in your eyes is much more amazing. It's natural. Your beauty is a gift. 

So there we have it, an eating disorder negatively impacts each small dimension of wellness, so how can anyone POSSIBLY live like that? of course you're miserable if you're starving your cells of proper function. Studying Anatomy this year is also opening my eyes even more to the damage that we are doing to our bodies by not fuelling it effectively. 

As a recovered anoretic, who has since become a high carb vegan, i now sometimes each up to 4000 calories and my weights being stable... we need to fuel our bodies! It really does impact every other aspect of our life! 

I now feel amazing for what i eat, i am doing what is best for my body and the environment. It's not 'okay' to eat, it's a necessity. 

1200 calories is what a person in a coma needs to simply survive. 

If you need help recovering or want advice email me at sequoiaap@gmail.com 

xx <3