Mental Health Month - are you really okay?

I like the fact that I'm always learning and growing. 
I look back at my older posts and I realise how much I've learnt along the way. I'll get back to this further down though.
For now, I want to catch up on my R U OK day post.

R U OK day was in September, so this is a little overdue.
 I've thought about this post most of the days since... It is really uplifting to see through the years the changes in peoples attitudes towards mental health. More and more people are helping to remove the stigma that surrounds the pain that is associated with the multitude of invisible disorders/illnesses.  

What I find really, really frustrating about R U OK day is that no one actually asks anyone if they're okay, not really. What is with that?
Everyone posts Facebook status's, and work on raising awareness (which is great) yet are people actually approaching their friends and family that may be portraying some degree of a certain disorder/illness and asking them how they are actually doing?

Let me paint a picture for you... 38kg 17 year old, physically light but mentally heavy. R U OK day passed, people talked about it at school, people posted Facebook updates, people shared instagram posts, videos, tweets and tumblr posts.
But that small, fragile, skinny girl with what felt like a thousand bricks pressing down on her was not confronted once, was not asked whether she was okay. In fact most of the people in her life were obviously uncomfortable by her not being okay and didn't know how to handle it or approach it, they avoided all confrontation and didn't want to know more.
The pity was in their eyes, but not a word touched their lips.

This is the problem with R U OK day, the thought is there - the idea of R U OK day is spot on, it raises awareness and tries to break down stigma surrounding mental illness. But it does not teach people how to actually approach individuals.
A Facebook status is not very personal if you ask me. 

So I challenge everyone who posted on R U OK day, who retweeted, shared an instagram post or reblogged a tumblr post to actually ask someone close to you if they're okay, and not just because it might be R U OK day but because you genuinely care about them and their wellbeing.
Someone isn't just going to come to you because you post 'R U OK' on Facebook. That isn't building rapport, that isn't developing trust or a relationship. Reach out to people, because it's unlikely that someone who is not okay will reach out to you. I find most people find it more difficult to say 'I'm not okay' than ask 'are you okay?' 

Most of my posts revolve around eating disorders. I consider myself 'recovered', if i struggle to eat one square of chocolate, then screw it i'll eat the whole row - pushing back is a great way to push through. But our minds are on this continuum... life is unpredictable but it's beautiful and food and health are wonderful gifts, so is happiness. But not everyone has happiness.
What I often don't talk about, is depression and anxiety.
These usually accompany anorexia and are half the battle, actually probably more than half.

Depression is not typical sadness, if you feel crushing weight weighing you down, if you can't seem to be able to scrapple your way out of a deep pit of despair, if you feel worthless, lonely and/or useless. If getting out of bed feels like climbing Mt Everest. If you're tired, irritable, anxious, feel lethargic or find difficulty finding the positive in any situation you're not just a downer, you most likely have depression. This is serious, and i feel whole-heartedly for you. It does not make you weird, horrible to be around or abnormal, it is unfortunate that you are suffering and i wish that you weren't but if you are, know that it is okay and it would be awesome and wise for you to seek help.

I was a happy, energetic and bubbly kid. I am a happy, energetic and bubbly adult.
What is so confusing to most people is that I AM this energetic, optimistic and loving person. But I have struggled in the past, I have had my ups and downs and I refuse to be ashamed of that. I refuse to be ashamed of being human. I refuse to be ashamed of having emotions.

Having fun is vital in my life, I love to laugh, I love to have fun. If you can make me laugh, I will treasure you more than you most likely know.
Sing badly, dance without restraint, tell awful dad jokes, be ridiculous, make terrible puns, take risks.
Make happiness and mental health a priority.

Happy mental health month. Take care of yourself. 

- Sequoia 

'Normal' + weight loss propaganda.

Do recovered ed patients have better relationships with food and body image than most?

I can never describe to someone who hasn't had an eating disorder what the constant fight and struggle is.
The scariest part of this for me is that even though I can't describe this accurately to someone, most people in our society do experience some form of an eating disorder simply through the weight loss industry and it's god damn awful propaganda. I'll let you in on a little secret, it's all lies.

The thing is though, I legitimately believe that a lot of people who have/had eating disorders and experience recovery actually have a much healthier relationship with both food and their body than most women in our society.  I actually worry about people all the time because 'diet' behaviour is so prominent, I have been concerned for friends and family... I hear what people say and it's so triggering and if it's triggering, it's usually along the lines of 'I need to eat less' or 'I need to go burn off these calories' - i recognise the disordered sentences, they don't, and that's scary.
If i hadn't of suffered the way i did then i would probably still be stuck in yo-yo dieting, feeling pressure to 'eat less' of something, or get that summer body, get that bikini body, join the next craze or 'fad' etc.
Okay, well considering i do still struggle yes it gets really hard sometimes seeing magazines, especially around summer... i usually just avoid magazines this time of year.
But honestly since recovery i have learnt SO MUCH, developed so much respect for both food and myself, i have a goal now to be more intuitive and to not let food be a big thing in my life.

People in our society are taught that associating food and guilt is normal and acceptable, that if you eat healthy then you are 'allowed' a scoop of ice-cream, or if you eat a certain way and exercise a certain amount then you 'earn' a 'cheat' meal. That if you are planning on going out to a big dinner or going to a party/feast to not eat lunch that day. Women are constantly following 'bikini body challenges', 'low-fat', 'low-carb', 'high-protein' or simply low calorie diets - YIKES!
Good bye sanity and hello damaged metabolisms and increased stress levels.

For people who experienced this in such a severe way that it nearly killed them, well they kind of see how foolish and stupid this all is.
Seriously media? 1500 calories? diet plans that suggest 1200 calories per day... 'here you go, have an eating disorder'
There are solid studies out there that show that eating disorders can come on simply by lowering the intake, it's a trigger to the switch, it makes you think about food, it spirals out of control because your brain can't function normally - and welcome to living hell.

Like, humans think they are SO SMART, they can go to university, get fancy jobs and drive fancy cars. We solve math equations and discover scientific phenomenon yet when it comes to something as simple and biologically vital as eating and hunger, we purposefully ignore our hunger, a vital thing for survival, a biological alarm - we are told to ignore it, we feel proud if we ignore it. We congratulate our free-will, feeling dainty for small eating salads and vegetables. W.T.F?
Hunger IS vital and should ALWAYS be honoured.

Managing your food, concerned about your weight, that your jeans are that tiny bit too tight - all normal worries in our society.
NO! - normal does not have the potential to lead to death by starvation, or to lead to binge and purge cycles. These things are not normal. Dieting is not normal. 

Summer is NOT a legitimate excuse to limit your food or ignore your physiology and vital needs

Pizza and chocolate does NOT = the devil 

Neither do your love handles or your cute butt!

I'd also just like to point out the whole western craze with 1200-1800 calorie diets.
They make no sense, in European schools they teach that an active woman needs at least 2400, the USDA supports this, even lightly active females sit at around 2200, Gwyneth Owlyn from YourEatopia links to research the average unwatched average is ~3000 calories.

This is a short rant on the topic, and just to encourage anyone attempting some crazy way to lose weight for summer to stop. Just stop. You want to repair your metabolism, you want to eat what you like and exercise the way you want for as long as you WANT. Put away the food scales and the bathroom scales, say hello to freedom and goodbye to dieting fads or low calorie diets. Low calories = internal damage and unhappiness. 

*disclaimer: I am not encouraging you to go and eat junk food for every meal, or to eat to stages of discomfort. I am a huge advocate for taking away the concern of eating 'wrong', i believe in eating healthy and intuitively BUT if you crave chocolate or some hot chips/fries to go for it! My favourite at the moment is nachos (without cheese for ethical reasons) corn chips + salsa + avocado = perfection.

Next post with draw on the disclaimer more with a focus on intuitive eating.

-Sequoia <3 xx

ED awareness week!

I sat in that big comfy red chair, hunched and mentally completely withdrawn. My body was split between feeling vulnerable, upset, scared and wanting to get angry or defensive.
My psychologist explained to me that she liked to get her girls to draw their eating disorder, a representation of it. I said sure but i didn't know what i'd draw, "what kind of thing do you want me to draw".
"However you picture your disorders holds onto you"

I instantly had an image in my head, not just an image though, an entire scenario but it would be hard to draw... how do you draw something that's in the dark?
My eating disorder to me, was a stone or steal thick enclosed box, no windows, no light, no bed, nothing. Me in a big back box with thick chains to keep me down. Within this black box i was haunted by a shadow. When i imagined my eating disorder, that was all i ever saw.

When i began recovery, i went back to this image but i didn't just leave it there. I burnt the door down, smashed it down, had to rip and yank and pull at those chains, i had to fight off that shadow at the door and i had to run through fire.
And that, my friends is a very, very accurate description of what you go through when you go through recovery for an eating disorder. It's as if you're escaping jail in hell, and if you fail it's a death sentence.

I don't understand why there is a stigma around eating disorders. Wait, no actually i do.
It's because we appear to do it all to ourselves, and that scares people... it makes a lot of people believe that it's all for attention.
This is a little bit ironic since when you have an eating disorder you do almost ANYTHING to hide it from everybody and not let anyone know, you are ashamed, you are scared and you do not want to have to be forced to eat. It's become your biggest fear.

I hope that there is a day, one day, when people see someones eating habits, recognise the symptoms and take their daughter, son, niece, nephew, grandchild, sister, brother, cousin, friend to a medical professional BEFORE that person is close to heart or kidney failure, before that person needs to be hospitalised for months and fed through a tube as they cry and hate themselves. It's just that there is so much stigma, people don't really know any of the signs apart from weight loss. When the person of concern says 'oh i've just been so stressed that i lost my appetite, weird. I'll be better after this exam' don't let it slide, don't go 'oh they've lost their appetite from stress or a break up or their parents divorce, they'll be okay soon though. No. Please look into it further, be sure.
The longer is goes on, the harder it is to let go of it. After, you are never, ever the same again.

If you see a friend look at food with a look of displeasure whilst picking at it at lunch, or taking an hour to eat an apple and then saying they 'forgot' their lunch for days on end, or that they 'just don't have time', please look after them.

People freely talk about car accidents, broken legs, food poisoning, the flu, chicken pox etc. whether it be an accident that was traumatic or an illness that kept you home from work, you talk about it!
But when it comes to mental illness, there is SO MUCH GOD DAMN STIGMA and it makes me sick.
People don't tell everyone when someone dies from an eating disorder, they keep it a secret, they try to cover it up!!
EATING DISORDERS ARE FATAL IF UNTREATED.
Eating disorders are not the individuals fault however the actions are self-inflicted, eating disorders and body dysmorphia are so real, and i can guarantee that at some point in your life you will know a person with an eating disorder or be affected in some way.
So don't be ignorant, don't let that stigma hang around, we want to get rid of it. Raise awareness.

It's not for attention.
It's not just stress.
It's not from the media or society.
It's not a 'phase'.
It's not something to be ignored.
It's not something to be uncomfortable around.
It's not something to be ashamed about.
It's not something to keep a secret, or try to handle yourself.
It may be the difference between someones life and death.
It is so very often life or death.

So again, i recognise that recovery can be compared to burning down doors, breaking them apart, yanking and tearing your way free from heavy chains and fighting every day through steal, fire and stone. It's a damn war.
But it is so worth it.

Don't let someone you know fight this war by themselves. They will fight you too, but they need you and they will appreciate it at the end of the war.

- unknown artist

                              http://healthsciencedegree.info/eating-disorder-drawings-tumblr/

Relapse after recovery. Too fat for recovery?

Okay, first of all.
I would never call any part of recovery 'the biggest struggle' because it's different for every single person struggling with an eating disorder. I know for a fact that crying over a 100 calorie 'diet' chocolate pudding cup or breaking down over a few too many cherries was extremely hard for both me and the people in my life at the time.

But what's also difficult, about relapse and weight gain... what is this post directly going to be addressing?

Relapse AFTER recovery!
Recovery is a required action due to behaviours, not merely the size of your jeans. 

http://www.pinterest.com/ninalilfoot90/mental-illness/ 

Okay, so i am now a healthy weight, actually i'm trying to lose weight because i feel i 'gained too much' (sound familiar) ugh
I kept thinking i was out of recovery, i thought i was out of recovery after 4 months when my weight was back up to a  healthy bmi and i was lifting weights every day. Oh man.
It has been about 18 months since i upped my 100-300 calories per day to the required 3000 and gained weight back, i kept thinking, "my weight is back to normal, i am healthy... i know the importance of healthy food and a nutritious and caloric sufficient diet"
hahahahaahahahahahahahaha, again, Oh man.

Also, yes fruit is healthy for us, yes carbs are not the enemy but SERIOUSLY, any person recovering from an eating disorder should not engage with any restrictive forms of diets, i.e. low fat, low carb, low protein, low calorie, low salt (except ethical diets such as veganism which i wholeheartedly support for ETHICAL reasons)
I want to heal my metabolism and ditch the diet and exercise mindset. I just want to live normally.
But being a slightly higher weight than ever before in your life and relapsing is hard!!!!!!
I can't bring myself to claim to be in 'recovery' or to tag instagram posts as 'recovery' or call myself an edsoldier, and not because i dislike using these terms but because it doesn't feel real, it feels like i am a fraud because i gained all my weight back and then some and i am no longer emaciated. If i hadn't of been diagnosed then i would probably go on to say that i never was ill in the first place and i am a perfectly fine, healthy, specimen. Yeah, right.

Struggling with recovery when you don't need to gain weight is so difficult, it's one thing to be underweight and convince yourself you do need to gain the weight, have people tell you over and over, and struggle with it but deep down know that it is required and necessary and healthy because you are still underweight.
But when you aren't underweight, it's that much more difficult to justify eating for recovery, 'fear foods' will just make you even fatter (wrong) and eventually you'll spiral out of control and start restricting again and return to an emaciated status where you can be put into hospital as an in-patient and be forced to eat.

The scary part is... part of me WANTS to be emaciated again, to go through recovery again... and i have no idea why. I won't let this ever happen again though.

The hard part is, EVERYONE, thinks you are recovered. People say to me 'you recovered from that, you are so strong', or 'I'm so glad you are recovered'
So i think, well that's it then, i'm recovered.
Is it that easy though? When  your own mind tries to kill you through starvation and you gain some weight back and all is well and dandy in the world?
I don't know how to eat at the moment, do i eat normal amounts and just try to be a normal person or do i eat extra again to fight off these crippling thoughts or to gain back my period (yep, when you're unconcerned of a lack of menstrual cycle that's warning bells right there people)
I have no issue sharing all of this with the internet, anyone i know can read this and frankly, what does it matter?
This isn't for them to investigate my life, or be nosy and curious about my struggles - let them do and think what they will but this is for those wonderful, beautiful people who struggle with anorexia, bulimia, EDNOS, BED etc. and get to a point where they appear 100% recovered and then find themselves secretly spiralling down the rabbit hole back into the 'safety net' of their eating disorder,
and to those people i say - CONFRONT IT!

Work on healing your metabolism, eat fats, salts, carbs, proteins, eat chocolate, fruit, potatoes, starch, sugar
Eat unrestricted, and by that i don't just mean 'eat until you can't eat anymore' (though in some cases this may be extremely necessary) i just mean, stop counting, stop letting food rule your life, rule your body image, rule your happiness.

People who haven't struggled through this type of internal war will never completely understand, though they have their own struggles that you will never understand either. Don't be mad that they don't see the big picture, or know the full story... be happy for them that they have never had to suffer this particular form of suffering known as the 'eating disorder'.

Other recoveries always said 'relapse' is part of recovery, and i thought 'i will never relapse though, i will be strong, i refuse to relapse' and again, oh man.

Relapse doesn't ALWAYS happen, it's not always physically noticeable, but it's a pretty HUGE chance that it will happen, at any stage in your life, when things get too much, when something changes, it creeps up on you and you have to keep a keen eye and notice it and shut it down, stop it in it's tracks.

The thing is, sometimes i get overwhelmed and feel like i'm struggling, and poor me feels like a victim. Then i am reminded of all those people, girls and boys alike, that struggle the same struggles, that starve themselves in a land of plenty, that gain weight and then relapse and can't face 'recovery' because they feel they don't deserve it because they are no longer emaciated, and i sit down and get my act together and write this for them.
I write this, to remind them that the scale is a number, not a definition. That food is fuel, not poison. That your mind can be free, rather than a prison. That recovery is freedom and healing for the mind as well as the body and is required as an action taken against certain behaviours, not because of whatever size jeans you're wearing today.
If you gained double your weight in recovery the first time around and realise you are relapsing but not underweight, be thankful that you don't have to go through the entire process again. It's hard but it would be harder if you did get that thin all over again, and not worth it at all. If you have relapsed hard core, then please, please, pleaseeeee get back on track with recovery.

So i challenge those of you struggling, no matter what your bmi is, to face fear foods today.
Choose a fear food, and eat it, savour every bite and get rid of the guilt associated with that food. I know it's not that easy, but if you try, well that's a good start.

There is no 'one size' for an eating disorder, you are never the wrong size for recovery. 

<3  Sequoia

My recovery story

My recovery story
Are carbs your friend?
3000+ calories?!!?!

It's been a while... I shouldn't use excuses but i've simply been flooded with uni assessments and studying and just life in general.
There's this whole thing in social media i've found, of regular people trying to be journalists/professionals. There are less and less people being real, whether on social media or in real life.
The only thing that makes me knowledgable on the subject is my own research, my own experience and my education (one semester so far of a psychology degree, i'm far from qualified) but i AM real and i like to keep things as honest and raw as possible, because lets face it... we don't resonate with the perfect portrayal of anyone! We see reflections in ourselves with peoples imperfections, those things that no one else see's of us are on display through other people, and we realise that it's not just us and that we're not alone.

So here is a real description of how i began recovery in the very last couple of months of 2012.
I had made the 45 minute journey to see my boyfriend, at this time i was at my lowest weight - scarily thin, drawn faced and yellow bruises over my joints - not very pretty but i was blessed with this human in my life, who even now, a year since i've even seen him i consider a wonderful human and a friend.
When it came to ordering iced coffees though - "iced long black please" YUCK!! The very thought of it makes me feel sick, cold, watery coffee... bleh!
Anyway, when i returned from browsing obsessively in the health food shop, his ice-cream filled, cream topped sugary iced coffee was at my seat while my bland disgusting iced coffee was in front of him. Boy that made me mad.
Though after finishing some of his ice-cream, i felt horrible, i felt so guilty for what i was putting all the people i loved through, so i told myself i had to put on weight - and just like that i was convinced.
For the weekend that we were together, i ate my favourite brand of ice-cream, and chocolate bars, and pancakes and brownies and everything delicious!!!!
But when i went home, and he went overseas my promise of "i'll put at least 2kg on by the time you get back" turned into 'oops i lost 2kg instead' - I had failed.
BUT as long as you keep moving forward in recovery there is no failure.
I kept losing weight up until just before christmas, Christmas i struggled to eat cherries - counting every single one, hating myself, feeling huge and horrible!
I can't remember whether it was before christmas or after that i was basically forced to see my doctor. My loved ones sat in the waiting room as i cried to my doctor and i forced myself to best explain what was going on... i was told to up my calories (duh, i had already done the research into recovery but i didn't want to actually RECOVER).
After the appointment, around lunch time, we went to the shopping centre and i stood in the food court as if the shops were spinning around me, i felt drowned in the middle of consumer paradise - i couldn't even order a small subway, it was all too much - i couldn't eat what i wanted to eat, only what my mind made me feel like i could only eat.
That day i ate about 2000 calories, the next i had 2500 and a week later i was up to 3000 and stayed there. I was never one for half-assing something.
Once i'm in, it's all in.
The bloating is horrible, i looked pregnant half the time, i had water retention, i wanted to sleep all the time. I spent a lot of time lying in my bed with the curtains drawn, not knowing whether i wanted to cry or just sleep and not wake up... I suffered quite a bit of depression during this time, and before.
Anorexia is in itself a form of depression, drowning in your own negative body image.
But life is so, so much sweeter on the other side of recovery.
Being thin is being in a black hole, being recovered is running through daisies and hugging people!
Sure it's not laughter all the time, but oh man it's awesome!

So why 3000 calories?!
ACTUALLY, i would want you to have much, much more!
Also, it's up to how YOU want to recover, i recovered on a lot of healthy food because i never saw the point of eating empty, nutritionally void calories that would make me gain weight but wouldn't nourish and repair my malnourished and damaged cells. I still ate unhealthy foods though to simply challenge the 'fear' of them, and this is definitely necessary.

I am vegan for the animals first, my health second - if you're interested in being vegan then watch earthlings, i will never discourage veganism to a recovering anorexic because i believe it is both extremely healthy, good for the body and the mind and meat is never necessary!
Enjoy your food, savour it, give yourself positive affirmations constantly throughout the day, correct your negative thoughts and let those people who are concerned about you be there as support.
If you can't start recovery for you, do it for them... but make sure to eventually do it for yourself!
If you do it for you, then the recovery will be long term and you will thrive in live.
There will be so much opportunity for you, so much love, laughter and experience.

So stop over exercising, be sedentary until you're healthy - trust me, you don't need it.
Once you're healthy don't smash in the exercise, do it steadily, no intensity at talking pace for 30min, and don't do it every day just be consistent to keep yourself fit and healthy.
there is a lot of crying, a lot of shouting, a lot of fighting and screaming and curling up into a ball on your bed in pain, a lot of fear, a lot of uncertainty... but trust the process.
It's tough but the reward is more than worth it - you are more than worth it! <3

(sorry for any typo's i'm rushing off to uni now, so there may be mistakes that have gone unnoticed)

-Sequoia

Mean girls, Gossip girl, social media and eating disorders?

Isolation becomes solitude.

So, if you have suffered from an eating disorder, you're most likely to agree with me when is mention that isolation is actually quite a wonderful thing
Not having to feel like someone is looking at your food or judging you
Not having to worry if someone notices how little you eat
Not having to worry if someone can hear you purge, or if they saw you binge
Oh yes its so lovely to make those around you  walk on eggshells because you're mood is unpredictable, and for them to be terrified of your eating every day because they know it's not right.
They know, despite how hard you try to hide it. People know.

Anyway, now you know that people know, it's time to reach out to them because they will happily accept your plea with open arms and loving warm heart. If you're underweight, trust me, that warmth is nice when you're cold all summer.

Okay so now for todays post!
The media, celebrities, thinspo and eating disorders.

http://wifflegif.com/tags/129977-is-butter-a-carb-gifs 

Oh one of my great movie loves - Mean Girls. 

The ultimate portrayal of girl world, where to ruin someones life is to make them put on weight

I actually don't mind the portrayal of body image in this movie, I think the intention was not at all to promote thin, or perfect. It's a comedy and I like to believe it's as simple as that.

However... 

I've heard before how mean girls is not good for young girls, I can't disagree since i ended up with an eating disorder so technically i can't say 'i watched it as a young girl and turned out fine' but i strongly doubt that my eating issues stemmed from or where even heavily influenced by movies like mean girls. They actually show that girls self-criticise excessively, and that it shouldn't be such a big deal "I used to think there was just fat and skinny".

A show which receives quite a lot of debate about it's image of young girls is Gossip Girl, thin rich girls living lives full of lust, money and drama... oh don't try to deny it, if you're a girl you've watched it and probably love it just like the rest of us (if not, then i am sorry and i accept that i am not always right) 

The beautiful Blair 

suffers from bulimia early in the seasons, and what happens? 

Her loved ones reach out to her, she receives help, gets better and you never hear of it again!

People like to state 'oh come on, she didn't relapse! that's not a real portrayal of an eating disorder recovery' 

well actually, it is. 

Eating disorder's come in all shapes and forms and behaviours, just like recovery. May i remind you that in that episode, Blair was relapsing! So her recovery wasn't her first attempt, but it worked, she didn't binge or purge again that we know of and it showed that there is no shame or glamour in an eating disorder.

So how much is the media to blame for the body issues of female? Is it the media, or simply our culture.

If you study psychology, you will understand that there are multiple schools of thought and that there are both biological and cultural boundaries to the study of psychology. 

Is it our culture? What is it that shapes our culture? 

Are quotes such as "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" (Kate Moss) (which may have been taken out of context) and the portrayal of thin girls in the media what shapes our unrealistic goals.

Personally I believe what has a huge impact on body image is thinspo

Ah yes.

Good ol' tumblr and pinterest with their endless supply of thin, underweight, probably depressed and malnourished bodies to make 'thinspiration'

I actually can't stand it! I LOVE tumblr, have been using it on and off for about 4 years now, it's honestly got so much amazing potential if used correctly

using it to search or advertise pro-ana, pro-mia (promoting anorexia or bulimia) is not okay.

BREAK THE CYCLE.

And stop scrolling through pages and pages and pages of food blogs instead of actually eating! Did you know that actually getting up off your starving ass to the fridge and getting some fruit/rice/tahini/hot chocolate will make the obsession with food go away?

Food is a biological necessity, stop feeling guilty for it because you think there is something beautiful about saying no and practicing your 'will power' when it comes to eating. There is no such thing as will power when it comes to nutrition and food, we need it, we eat it. Eat intuitively and if that means you eat less than that girl over there but 2x more than that boy there, then so be it. We all eat different amounts, and it's okay as long as we are not UNDERFEEDING ourselves and eating for our needs. You can not train your body to need a certain amount of energy!

Photo's like this the one above make me really quite angry. 

Saying 'no thank you' to food is weak! 

Listening to your eating disorder is weak... fighting it is strong.

Be strong and STOP looking at thinspo on pinterest or tumblr, because although i don't think the media is particularly to blame directly, i would be much more inclined to put a fair chunk of blame onto the individuals who make these images. If you make these images, don't. If you make them for yourself, don't share them at least. For god's sake promoting fatal and life consuming mental disorders is not cool.

Okay ran off into a little rant there

where was I... oh yes. The media.

It's a touchy subject, with a lot of controversy, personally i know a lot of people who are suffering and have suffered an eating disorder will say it has nothing to do with the media, but there is obviously some connection there no matter how small with looking at ourselves in the mirror after watching a movie full of skinny popular girls when we are 12, and not liking our puberty stricken bodies.

I do believe though that eating disorders are caused by a deeper issue, whether it be from the age of 2, 4, 7, 12 or 24. There are always underlying psychological and emotional issues to an eating disorder

With behaviours arising from issues with control in one's life, perfectionism, depression, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse etc. 

So the media isn't to blame, we can't point fingers at these things - we can acknowledge that the media definitely affects both men and women's body-image and self-esteem negatively, but to say it causes a deep, disturbing psychological self-harm disorder is just trying to find an easy way out from discovering the more important, and terrifying truths of what caused your issues relating to food.

With that, i think i'll draw this week's post to a close.

If you agree, or disagree or would like me to focus on something specific feel free to leave a comment :) xx <3
- Sequoia. 

During my eating disorder, I basically felt like i was dying... they say how sad cancer is, and I agree that it is horrible, but it's even sadder that people are choosing to kill themselves slowly and painfully over months, or years.
Going from a vibrant, pretty 53kg 16 year old who was complimented her whole life on her bubbly and enthusiastic personality and her intelligence slowly dissolved into a 38kg lifeless 17 year old void of any personality at all.
Lack of a personality, i don't mean i was just boring, i mean talking to me would have been like talking to a wall... i had no response because all i ever heard in my head was 'your body, food, don't eat, your body, but food'
I feel like this image, rather than showing the transformation in your body through anorexia and recovery, I feel this shows emotional and energy levels much more accurately.

Left photo - within the first week of recovery
Right photo - my formal, where i ate the food and drank the champagne and had an amazing night!
So, i'll get around to doing a post on the physical effects of an eating disorder, but this post I think i'll focus on the emotional ones.

 Feeling that life is pointless
Losing all desires for a future, or rather, all future seems unapproachable because well... what future is there for someone with an eating disorder? A life full of thoughts of food and body and nothing else, or death. A family becomes almost impossible to imagine because how can you love someone when all you can think about is yourself and what goes into your stomach?
 Feeling as though you will never feel positive or alive again.
Giving up basically all hope, being extremely judgmental of yourself and lacking any intrinsic motivation to complete any task or make any changes.
Food is such a huge desire yet off limits and exercise is seen as a punishment or a chore and treated like a form of torture on the body.

Unable to form appropriate emotions
Lashing out a lot, feeling constant emptiness accompanied by anger and irritability. This has a huge stress impact on your loved ones. I remember the look on my mothers face for months on end when i was at my sickest, looking back i realise she was constantly stepping on thin ice.

 Lacking all interest in academia and intellect
Spending entire 6 hour days at school looking at low calorie recipes, is not glamorous or fun at all.. it's a waste of cognitive function, oh wait... there is none of that because you're brain is so starved of nutrients it refuses to think of anything else except 'god dammit feed me!'

Emotional instability, crying for no reason, highs and lows... i don't even think i need to go into this one. Basically you never even know how you feel

I've been bombarded with study, so this is late and not as inclusive of all emotional impacts as i would have liked

next weeks post will be 'Why recovery?' and 'Where do i start?'